Undecided Fate

[allmeheart]

Emotions coming to a hault
You blame yourself
Though its no ones fault

This horrible feeling
Of knowing you might lose it all
Everything you've ever known
Thrust against the wall

Death knocking at the door
Holding in undecided fate
Misery leaking through the cracks
As the two kingdoms debate

Should this soul pass into heaven
Or be condemed to hell?
Should this life be taken
Or shall we make him well?

He lies within his deathbed
As we all pray for good news
Knowing the chances are slim
And an answer they must choose

All results claim negative
Maybe there is a ray of light
Hiding behind the clouds
That have turned our day to night

He struggles but he survives
And with this good bill of health
He's saved so many lives.

- Jessica -

A/N- I'm not sure how this piece turned out but I just simply wrote how I was feeling. A person dear to me has just been placed in the hospital and we're all hoping for the best at this point. I'd rather not receive pity right about now though please. Anyways let me know what you think.

PS- This may be my last post for a while.

[Sharon]

juju7days said:

Emotions coming to a hault
You blame yourself
Though its no ones fault

just a minor correction, it's instead of its.

This horrible feeling
Of knowing you might lose it all
Everything you've ever known
Thrust against the wall

Interesting. It's like the narrator is observing someone's life out of their control.

The concept was good, I think you should try to elaborate more to your lines to compliment the rhyme scheme you were going for. You should consider revising this some time later.

I wish you good luck with everything, hope to see you post again real soon.

[thecrazybeautiful]

I would also suggest revising this sometime later when things are straightened out for you. Though you do have some nice parts in here.

"Everything you've ever known
Thrust against the wall"

I really like that. It makes me think of someone just out of control crazy, yet seeming fine. Even though it shouldn't really seem fine... ah well.

This is pretty good.

[Laura]

"Misery leaking through the cracks
As the two kingdoms debate

Should this soul pass into heaven
Or be condemed to hell?
Should this life be taken
Or shall we make him well?"

--this is an interesting image. It reminds me of in ... oh damn I lost the movie title. It's supposed to be a scary movie but it's not ... oh the Frighteners I think. This was nice. I'm not sure about the three lined stanzas though and the ending seemed weird, like abrupt.