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Post by Absinthe on Aug 27, 2005 23:20:56 GMT -6
[glow=black,2,300]This is something I've been fighting for a little while. I'll let you read and draw your own conclusions, but the "you" is referring to my family as a whole, but also my mother and father in particular.
Something isn't right. I can feel it in my bones, but I'm too afraid to acknowledge it. Not about to seek answers, For fear my worries would be warrented.
I'm weakened, my breath coming shorter more labored than before. But I just attribute that to asthma. . . . That damned childhood disease.
I'm freezing cold, though it is stiflingly hot. But I dont want you to know So, I simply bear it, chills, alternating to sweats, back to chills I dont want you to worry.
I pass it off as a touch of the flu though I can feel the weight of it upon my shoulders. . . . . Its more serious than I am willing to believe. I dont think I could handle the truth
So, I'll remain delusional. Passing myself off as healthy, You'll be none the wiser. I'm tired, growing more so everyday, but you will never know that. Your plate is full as it is.
For your sake, I ignore it, imagining it isnt true. No tests have been performed, no results taken.....but I know. I can feel it....call it intuition, something just isn't right.
But I'll go on, everything's okay. A smile is on my face. I feel fine.....not weak at all. The fever is subsiding [not really] There is absolutely nothing to worry about
[oh, how I wish that were true][/glow]
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Post by Only Me on Aug 27, 2005 23:29:58 GMT -6
I SO know how that feels. Isn't it terrible. Pretending that you are fine and having NO one notice that you are faking it? I love this, it says what so many of us only feel...
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Post by Absinthe on Aug 27, 2005 23:32:42 GMT -6
[glow=black,2,300]Thank you. I'm almost sorry that you can relate, but thank you for the comment.[/glow]
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Post by Only Me on Aug 27, 2005 23:46:23 GMT -6
yea yea... its not that uncommon that i can relate hiding your true self is a habit of humans... The only person that I have ever not fooled actually told me I was a "faky happy person" when i was in extreme pain because I had a problem with my ovaries no one knew about it until after i was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and my doctor leaked the word out to my aunt who worked at the hospital. (small town)
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Post by Absinthe on Aug 27, 2005 23:49:30 GMT -6
[glow=black,2,300] See, that's what terrifies me. I'm not really hiding behind myself, I'm hiding behind my health. I can't accept something being wrong. I'm sick of hospitals, sick of being poked and prodded. I've spent far too much of my 17 years in hospitals and I dont want to be back there, at least not as a patient.
So far, I have everyone fooled....I should be an actress, I'm that good. To the world, everything is just fine.....on the inside, I'm screaming and sick and tired and weary.[/glow]
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Post by Only Me on Aug 27, 2005 23:54:44 GMT -6
Horrible i know... its an awful way to live life. my husband still has no clue that we can never have kids because I quit going to the doctor. he also has no clue that I am still sick... because I told him everything was ok and that i didnt need to go back anymore....
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Post by Absinthe on Aug 27, 2005 23:59:13 GMT -6
[glow=black,2,300]That's truly heartbreaking. It really is. I know its stupid of me to pretend to be fine, but I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life for one reason or another.....being a premie with under-developed lungs and a terribly weak immune system, I spent most of my childhood years hooked up to IV's and forced to take some sort of medication. I'd rather live in denial than go through all that again....or still, I suppose I should say. It ends now......I refuse to believe that anything is wrong...and I won't be proven correctly or incorrectly, as I refuse to find out.[/glow]
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Post by Only Me on Aug 28, 2005 0:37:20 GMT -6
that sucks... when I was younger I was sick a lot but I never let my mom know because she wasn't a very good mom. She would tell me to quit being a baby or top pretending to be sick, she never really believed me. So I eventually just stopped telling her. When I went into foster care my foster family had to force it out of me when i was sick. My foster mom was a health fanatic of sorts and never let me have the chance tobe sick.. if i was in pain she knew, if i was coming down wiht something, she knew... she was the one who got me to see the doctor when i found out about the ovarian cancer...
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Post by QueenPaige4 on Aug 28, 2005 7:35:12 GMT -6
wow I loved it. I wish i could relate to it but i am hiding behind myself. sad i know, but this is forever me.
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Post by Laura on Dec 20, 2005 20:37:18 GMT -6
It kind of gave me a message of separation ... like a lot of things I felt when my parents separated:
"I'm weakened, my breath coming shorter more labored than before. But I just attribute that to asthma. . . . That damned childhood disease.
I'm freezing cold, though it is stiflingly hot. But I dont want you to know So, I simply bear it, chills, alternating to sweats, back to chills I dont want you to worry. "
--really well laid out. Enjoyed this piece, thanks for sharing.
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