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Post by Absinthe on Jan 19, 2006 22:02:56 GMT -6
[glow=black,2,300] Actually, I just penned this one. What do you think?
This scolding water is as hot as it gets Fire rains down upon virgin flesh A million tiny pinpricks stabbing, Working to wash away The sins of the moment Nerve endings scream in protest Before sizzling and gasping For last breath
[Numb]
The sound tells me I’m alive The pitter patter of water droplets Against bare skin the only Clue to being there, Present in the moment, Begging God yet again To forgive my transgressions
[Tired]
Scrubbing raw doesn’t ease the pain Only intensifies it Sore throat, dry from tears Crackles and chokes Spent eyes weep dry tears An upheaval of strength Would save a soul
[Sorry]
But God doesn’t hand out freebies To fly-by-night wannabe born agains Who say one thing, do another Hypocrite, can’t stand To see my reflection Shame sits behind clear blue eyes Endless apologies and empty promises
[Lost]
Too bad faith has failed me Left deserted in the middle of metropolis No idea which way is home North leads to dead ends and flashbacks South leads to the unknown A perfect life left in shambles By one tiny mistake
Damning God burns bridges
[/glow]
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Post by Laura on Jan 20, 2006 6:38:21 GMT -6
"For last breath"
--I feel it should be for a last breath or the ... sounds weird with just the "for last breath".
"Against bare skin the only Clue to being there,"
--I think there should be a comma or something separating "against bare skin" and "the only"
Now, this was a good poem. I'm unsure what the "sin" behind this is that is creating punishment. This was a nice line:
"Spent eyes weep dry tears"
and
"To fly-by-night wannabe born agains"
--interesting way of putting it.
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Post by Absinthe on Jun 2, 2007 21:09:09 GMT -6
Wow.....I'd nearly forgotten about this one. Thanks for responding, Laura. Thanks for the tips as well, but the comma you suggested doesn't quite fit with the way I read it. I read these three lines:
"The pitter patter of water droplets Against bare skin the only Clue to being there,"
as one complete thought, sentance. The comma would kind of break that up for me. And the "For last breath" is another one of those style things for me.
As for the "sin" behind this - it's a combination of a myriad of things that were piling up around the time I wrote this.
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Post by NotSoPerfect on Jun 3, 2007 8:33:03 GMT -6
The format was cool. I really liked the way you had the [words] seperating the stanzas.
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