ylime
Wishes To Be A Distraction
Posts: 7
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Post by ylime on Mar 22, 2006 18:18:41 GMT -6
We are a strand of pearls dangling from my pale neck Those perfect, white spheres that kiss my visible collarbone have never felt the salty ocean-- just the sterility of a factory If this delicate necklace broke, scattering the plastic beads so that they roll away from me, no mournful tears would fall to moisten my ghostly cheeks Because although that simple strand Makes me feel beautiful, It it is not real, but simply synthesized
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Post by Laura on Mar 22, 2006 20:47:48 GMT -6
"that kiss my visible collarbone have never felt the salty ocean"
--I liked the way this was constructed but I felt it was kind of ... dull towards the end, for a lack of a better word. I liked this:
"to moisten my ghostly cheeks"
--I'm not really sure on how to improve on it though. Just one of those "on the fence" poems I guess.
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Post by thecrazybeautiful on Mar 23, 2006 15:48:58 GMT -6
"Those perfect, white spheres that kiss my visible collarbone have never felt the salty ocean" I know it might sound silly, but I'm kinda feeling sad for those pearls. They never got to feel the ocean... Anyway, I think it's a very interesting poem. Not bad but... alright.
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