stupidxgirl
A Devoted Distraction
So You Sailed Away...
Posts: 229
|
Post by stupidxgirl on Mar 22, 2006 1:52:08 GMT -6
***So, I have writers block *sigh* Such a shame I would say. I was trying to write about my ex girl friend. If you don't like the topic you don't have to read of course, but if you do read it just look past the message and see the poem for what it is ; a poem. The ending sounds off to me...but my brain is lacking the capacity to add more to it LoL! Maybe it's because I'm tired, it is almost 3 am after all. But hell, I tried and that's all that matters! I will probably revise it after a while.
She moves in such a way, that makes me want more- Oh god she moves and shimmers in that sultry black dress. Feet tapping to the rythme in her head like no one's watching, she has such freedom And I long for a second, just to know what she's thinking about me, when I'm thinking about her.
Tip-toeing past the shyness and the blushing cheaks and tripping over stutters in my not so girlish charm- I splurge to grab your hand and run with those feverish emotions you make me feel- But with open eyes and such a close inspection, I realise your hand is still on the table beside your drink, and I am still in the corner boothe watching you smile and wishing I was the one viewing that beautiful shine.
And she's burnt into my pupils, moving and shimmering and I envy that freedom- tap-tap-tapping.
I want so much more.
|
|
|
Post by Laura on Mar 22, 2006 16:21:08 GMT -6
"Oh god she moves and shimmers in that sultry black dress. Feet tapping to the rhyme in her head"
--I thought this was really intriguing.
I love how you switched tenses ... I do that all the time. Most people don't like it, but hell I do.
"And she's burnt into my pupils, moving and shimmering and I envy that freedom- tap-tap-tapping."
--I've said this before ... repetition can ruin a poem and instead of create effect, it does the complete opposite. But when repetition is used effectively ... I freaking adore it. The tap part reminds me so much of me, haha ... I used to use that sort of effect all the time. I write about women all the time ... I think anyone who can't read this because of that is closed minded. You don't have to warn people about those sorts of things because people here should be understanding enough.
We all know - straight or not - women are beautiful. They deserve to be written about.
|
|
ylime
Wishes To Be A Distraction
Posts: 7
|
Post by ylime on Mar 22, 2006 18:16:06 GMT -6
I love the ending.
|
|
|
Post by grasshopper on Mar 22, 2006 19:33:20 GMT -6
This is a really good poem. I love the way it has this sort of dark beginning and an even darker end. Its beautiful.
|
|
|
Post by thecrazybeautiful on Mar 23, 2006 15:26:37 GMT -6
"And I long for a second, just to know what she's thinking about me, when I'm thinking about her."
So real. I like that. I'm always wondering what people think of me when I'm thinking of them... Not everyone of course... But you know. Anyway, that part really brought me in, and it was really good.
|
|