Love in Darkness

[sagsdragonlvr]

LOVE IN DARKNESS

Life has drilled itself

Into me as though I can't breathe

Loving someone is something everyone feels

But the pain will always be different

No matter what the scenerio your in

I thought everything I wanted was with one person

But that was a mistake

My heart is healing but memories

Will bring tears down my face

For as long as he's there in my heart


I shoved myself into darkness

Not knowing where tomorrow is

Or how long it will be until I see daylight again

I lost myself when the shadow fell over my heart

to make it as cold hearted

As it is these days

I forgot what it is like to smile

And a night without any tears to put me to slumber

Or what an embrace feels like

Loneliness has taken it's prisoner

And heartache has it's hostage

Until the day someone could open my heart once more

[Laura]

"I forgot what it is like to smile
And a night without any tears to put me to slumber"

--this was my favourite part ... it reminds me of the character in my never-ending story, heh. This definitely has potential to be something great ... but I'm unsure of what constructive ideas to give to you ... hmm ... try to find more creative words to use. The beginning sounded like some sort of advice column ... I'd try to move away from that because it seems weird to read. I don't know, I'm not much help, am I?

[QueenPaige4]

Just some suggestions for you
Instead of saying this "No matter what the scenerio your in " I think what would be best here is No matter what the scenerio is. I think it flows better with the rest of the poem.

"to make it as cold hearted" This should be: to make it cold

These are just suggestions that you should consider. im not trying to ruin your poem or anything im just helping out...although my favorite part was "Loneliness has taken it's prisoner

And heartache has it's hostage" I like it. Overall your poem is very well written just some minor adjustments..keep writing

[Sharon]

the emotion is definitely there. I'd suggest using a bit more punctuation and not capitilizing a new line unless it's a new tought - it just helps the reader read your work a little bit smoother.

[Absinthe]

I'm with Laura on the favorite lines of this piece. You may want to reconsider the format of this. The space between each line, as well as the capitalization at the beginning of each line gives it a rather disconnected feel, as if each line is a seperate entity and not a part of the whole. Also, the ending was better than the beginning, because your vocabulary improved and it wasn't so blandly written as the first few lines were. I really don't know what to say. You need to spice it up a bit more. Poetry doesn't have to make sense, it just has to evoke something. Maybe try to just write without thinking about a story you want to tell and without thinking of how you want to describe how something feels. Just feel it and let the emotion do the writing for you. Does that make any sense at all?

[Lady Penguin]

I liked it..it had a lot of emotion, i liked the ending a lot; it summed it up enough but not too much. I do think you should think about the format though, like Absinthe said.

[NotSoPerfect]

i think everyone else said it best. i would just make SURE to watch your "your" vs. "you're". just because that personally drives me nuts. anyway, love what you're doing here.