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Orchid
Feb 2, 2006 11:09:08 GMT -6
Post by Sharon on Feb 2, 2006 11:09:08 GMT -6
I haven't written anything in awhile, but this is something I came up with recently. What do you guys think? Orchid
I used to say “Don’t buy me flowers” And you used to pick them instead, it was always the little things you did made me want to change the life I led.
I used to say “Don’t waste your time” for you would spend hours with me, Wasn’t too long before I thought We’re an obvious guarantee.
I used to say that “I love you” believed it like some kind of creed, You have taught me so many things Even showed me how to bleed.
I used to say that “I don’t care” When you told me you wanted to leave, I wish that your feelings never changed I wish you were still here with me.
I used to say “Don’t pick flowers” so you helped me plant seeds instead, Now and then I watch her sleep OUR beautiful orchid in her bed.
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Orchid
Feb 2, 2006 11:25:29 GMT -6
Post by Laura on Feb 2, 2006 11:25:29 GMT -6
" Even showed me how to bleed" --I like this line. Blood is what keeps us alive ... makes me think that this means something along the lines of the person showed you how to live again. " I used to say “Don’t pick flowers” so you helped me plant seeds instead, Now and then I watch her sleep OUR beautiful orchid in her bed." --lovely. I'm unsure what you meant it to mean but I took it as a child. Good job Sharon, you took a cliché and made it original
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Orchid
Feb 2, 2006 15:53:33 GMT -6
Post by allmeheart on Feb 2, 2006 15:53:33 GMT -6
i thought it was good and i agree w/ Laura, i liked the bleeding line, the ending i liked as well, at first i was thinking maybe it was a little too forced though, but then as i kept reading it seemed to flow better, so good job sharon, its been a while since u posted something....i think lol
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Orchid
Feb 9, 2006 0:51:25 GMT -6
Post by Only Me on Feb 9, 2006 0:51:25 GMT -6
... it was really good. I took the end to mean that it was a child as well. It was good. I liked how you changed things up a bit and made it not so ordinary
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Orchid
Feb 9, 2006 15:12:03 GMT -6
Post by thecrazybeautiful on Feb 9, 2006 15:12:03 GMT -6
Ooh, that was nice. It's not often I read a good rhyming poem. It wasn't forced, and it read really well. "I used to say “Don’t pick flowers” so you helped me plant seeds instead, Now and then I watch her sleep OUR beautiful orchid in her bed." That part is really sweet
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Orchid
May 29, 2007 21:43:52 GMT -6
Post by Sharon on May 29, 2007 21:43:52 GMT -6
wow... just stumbled upon this one again, I really liked how this one turned out ;D Thanks everyone for the replies. Laura, I suppose it could be up for interpretation. Some may take it literally as a flower while others read between the lines. (Yes, my aim was the between the lines bit). allmeheart, even I have to agree with the first bit being somewhat forced. made me think, "I so tried too hard to make those lines rhyme" Only Me, thanks! thecrazybeautiful, yeah... when i wrote that, it was really one of those moments when you're writing and you just think "Yup, that's perfect"
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Orchid
May 29, 2007 23:05:15 GMT -6
Post by NotSoPerfect on May 29, 2007 23:05:15 GMT -6
Well way too late of course, but I agree that the beginning was forced, however, all over I liked the consistency and flow and, of course, the emotion. Your wording was very eloquent.
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Orchid
May 30, 2007 20:19:36 GMT -6
Post by Sharon on May 30, 2007 20:19:36 GMT -6
Notso, thanks- I actually changed the first bit, not much improvement but I think it sounds better than what i had before.
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Orchid
Jun 2, 2007 20:41:03 GMT -6
Post by Absinthe on Jun 2, 2007 20:41:03 GMT -6
Overall, I liked this. And as with others, I liked this:
"I used to say “Don’t pick flowers” so you helped me plant seeds instead, Now and then I watch her sleep OUR beautiful orchid in her bed."
.....and like Laura, I took it to be reference to a child, but that could just be because lately I find my mind wandering in that sort of direction.
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