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Post by The Brutal Immortal on Apr 18, 2007 20:35:36 GMT -6
My heart is burning, It is in a roaring inferno, It burns like the pits of hell, And i wonder why it is so.
I need a water, To extinguish the flame, But no water can put it out, Nothing can soothe the pain.
Nothing could help me, And decided to stop it, And i almost did, Until i heard your voice.
I heard one pure note, That came from you, And the knife fell from my hand, And hit the floor.
You came over to me, And helped me up, From my state, And helped restore me.
Sometimes when i sit with you now, On the edge of our bed, I wonder how i could have done that, And wonder also, how you stopped me.
I realized then, When i thought it over, That i loved you all along, And your pure voice stopped me.
I now wonder, When we sit on the end of our bed, What would have happened, If you hadn't come along
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Post by NotSoPerfect on May 4, 2007 12:12:56 GMT -6
I liked it, it was interesting to read.
"I need a water"
I think I would change that to "I need SOME water" just because "a water" doesn't really make sense, but I see where you were going with it.
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Post by thecrazybeautiful on May 6, 2007 10:01:11 GMT -6
This reminds me of something I wrote a few years ago about the same concept. Some minds think alike So this wasn't jump off the screen amazing, but it was terrible either. I was just wondering why the rhyme stopped two stanzas into it. Maybe you didn't mean for it to rhyme, but it seems too put together. Also- "It is in a roaring inferno" I think that line would sound a little better if you took out the "in." And- "I need a water" I also agree that that should be something like "I need some water," or simply "I need water."
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Post by The Brutal Immortal on May 6, 2007 20:03:12 GMT -6
Thanks, i kno it isnt the best, but i really didnt have much to work with here, it isnt true, like most of my other poems. I also spent about 30 minutes writing it, so i didnt really think about it. Ill make the changes to it if i ever print it out to show anyone, and thanks for the criticsim, and it wasnt supposed to rhyme, im not good with it, so i write free verse.
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