Lady Penguin
Wishes To Be A Distraction
I'm a poet and I know it!
Posts: 21
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Time
Mar 11, 2007 16:14:38 GMT -6
Post by Lady Penguin on Mar 11, 2007 16:14:38 GMT -6
Time
A clock chimes midnight as I try to sleep, Try to be silent, make not a peep, What you said today made me smile, But kept me thinking all the while,
Is the time passing to fast? Is this really going to last? All I can do to answer these, Is just hope, and try to sleep.
Strength these days is hard to find, I'll need all I can to break these binds, These binds that are holding me down, Wasting my time, making me frown,
Time is a figment of imagination, But keeping it takes concentration, Time can stop, in moments of bliss, It will stop forever, when we kiss.
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Time
Mar 12, 2007 18:31:40 GMT -6
Post by Sharon on Mar 12, 2007 18:31:40 GMT -6
I can definitely relate to this piece - isn't it frustrating to not be able to sleep when you want to?
One pointer I think I should give is... try not to concentrate so much on making the lines rhyme
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Time
Mar 16, 2007 15:41:15 GMT -6
Post by Absinthe on Mar 16, 2007 15:41:15 GMT -6
Hmm.....I dont really like this. The rhyming is rather forced throughout. If you are going to rhyme, try to spice it up a bit. Rhymes like "bliss and kiss" and "down and frown" are quite boring. It makes the piece feel unemotional, and completely detatched. Also, your stanzas seemed disconnected from eachother. Maybe try to use words linking them, try a bit of enjambment (one phrase or thought that flows from one stanza to the next).
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