To your existence

[emilyjenk]

I imagined
For one second that you existed
I felt a cold chill
I let one single bitter tear roll.

Because I know
that if you were here
I would not want you
I would not allow you to break through
You would leave
& then I'd let myself love you
Because then I would be certain
Certain that it was too late.

Because I do not need you
Yet the tear continues to roll



(For eternity.)

[thecrazybeautiful]

"I imagined
For one second that you existed"

I really like that, and I think it's a great way to start the poem. However, the rest of it didn't seem to keep it up. This is the kind of thing I think would be better if it were longer. The word "eternity" in a short poem seems kinda contradictory. I know it's just a word in the poem...but I dunno. It could be just me.

"Because I do not need you
Yet the tear continues to roll"

I like that idea there. I think I'm pretty much in a situation like that, so I get the feeling.

All in all, not a bad idea, it just seems so... quick.

[Laura]

I agree with Brandie here ... the first two lines are wonderful. I'm actually unsure of what to say ... maybe I'm drawing a blank? It's not bad, if that's good enough heh

[emilyjenk]

hi thanks for your feedback, i agree about the word "eternity" i now think it will be better to delete it. however, the reason the poem is short, for me, is to emphasise how painful it is to think about the loved one who simply doesnt exist. She doesnt want to keep talking about it as this only makes it worse for her. But nevertheless she needs to say something. She needs to mark the existence.

[Samccaleb]

I liked the poem but I do think that it needs a little refining. Just a little about word choice and flow. All in all though it was pretty good.

[Absinthe]

The first two lines draw you in, but then the rest of the poem kind of drops off from there. It isn't bad, but.....I dont know. Not bad, but not great, I guess.