Work in progress I guess

[stupidxgirl]

a/n: Okay, this is an unfinished piece because I can't think of where to go from the last lines. I think a lot of the second stanza needs work as well. But who know's, it's an interesting thought in my opinion, but I just don't think I can make it work.

I'm up
but coming down
and swimming around your feet
soaking your socks with sloshy
teary love letters-
painted up with brilliance
in every heartfelt word

and I send them on the wind
and a hope it ends on your door.

I want to remember two hearts
Battery packs and live wires-
Singing to me a tune of your life
beating under sheets
and pounding in my ear-
(Mine was always so dull.)
I want to remember your heart
in my hands.

* And this is where the trouble comes in, I can't even begin to think where to go from here HaHa! I most likely wont finish it, but let me know if I should please *

[Laura]

Yes, the last lines are lovely but where to go from there ... hmmm ...

I know I would go off rambling.

It's interesting so far. I'm not much help, I know ... just try clearing your mind to ramble ... that's what I usually do and people say they like it

[thecrazybeautiful]

This seems good so far. I don't really know how to help though. I get into the same situation as well where I can't seem to finish something.

The last lines are really great, and I'm sure you'll come up with something!

[Sharon]

I'm up
but coming down
and swimming around your feet
soaking your socks with sloshy
teary love letters-
painted up with brilliance
in every heartfelt word

that first verse is good

and I send them on the wind
and a hope it ends on your door.

and a hope? ..did you mean "and I hope"? or am i just reading that wrong?

I want to remember two hearts
Battery packs and live wires-
Singing to me a tune of your life
beating under sheets
and pounding in my ear-
(Mine was always so dull.)
I want to remember your heart
in my hands.

It's really hard to come up with a suggestion to follow up on that last verse you wrote because I don't entirely understand what you are trying to say.

[Samccaleb]

Here's my suggestion, and I have found that this works great for me. When I'm stuck, I just start writing lines. It doesnt matter what it is. Write song titles, book titles, quotes from your favorite movie or song, on a sheet of blank paper. Keep going with it and eventually some stray though will pop into your head and tell you exactly where you want to go with your poem to finish it out. As for what you have so far, it think that its a great start.

[Absinthe]

I kind of like it as is, to be honest. Yeah, it's got a bit of an unfinished quality to it, but its also raw and true, just the way I love poetry. It doesnt seem really thought out, it just is. I like that.