Untitled (MP)

[thecrazybeautiful]

Grr. This isn't really good. I had some nice ideas, but they didn't come out right. The third part was mainly put in there for the name reference, and the ending is just...blah.

Untitled (MP)

I.

You're the fog
in the mirror.

I can't see myself
through you
anymore.

II.

It's seems I've fallen.

Straight down fallen
off of your cloud.
(The one like sugar,
like cotton candy.

I'd just started painting the wisps
blue and pink.)

III.

Maybe it's better that
I don't seem to get through to you.
Can you ever feel the
Heat that's never there when I try
And start the fire?
Easy is so overrated, and you're
Left cold and safer without me.

IV.

Daisies always have
the same outcome,
even with an even number of
petals.

He loves me.
He loves me.

V.

Climbing upwards,
we rise,
we fall.
What we thought
was progress,
never was at all.

VI.

and I'm supposed to be stubborn?

I'm giving up on you.

[stupidxgirl]

I actually thought this was really good I can relate to it a lot. My favorite part was :
"Daisies always have
the same outcome,
even with an even number of
petals.

He loves me.
He loves me."

and this:
"and I'm supposed to be stubborn?"

I like the ideas of those lines the most, especially the daisies comment. I am sure most of us can remember doing the ol' " he loves me, he loves me not" trick good job.

[Laura]

"You're the fog"

--brilliantly effective beginning to draw in readers.

"Can you ever feel the
Heat that's never there when I try
And start the fire?"

--I adored these lines ... you're such a talented, beautiful, young writer

"Climbing upwards,
we rise,
we fall.
What we thought
was progress,
never was at all."

--the rhyme works here.

I really liked this

[Absinthe]

Actually, I liked it. I agree with Laura in that you certainly have a way with words.

"You're the fog
in the mirror.

I can't see myself
through you
anymore."


. . . . . This was very effective and it was an interesting way to put it.


"Daisies always have
the same outcome,"


. . . .. This part of that section was bloody brilliant, but later in the section, it did slac a bit.


Anyway, overall, this was a good piece. I can't wait to read more from you.

[QueenPaige4]

you know this was such a great poem. I really connected with it. It's a great poem written by a great poet.

[Absinthe]

Hey, scatteredonthefloor, is your icon the band Flyleaf?