This spring (Sweep of days)

[maieen]

I am not a native English speaker, so please correct if there are any errors.

This spring (Sweep of days)

I spend my nights either alone, exhausted
Wrapped in breathless thoughts
Becoming someone else
Listening to my ever-adventurous friend
Admiring her intricately organized mind
Or pressing my body against another
But once, only once
I spent my night in his beautiful house
I soaked up every shining smile, every perfect joke
Like I stumbled upon a once forgotten part of me
I felt wonder and completeness and something else
Something that has no name
Something that makes you lay aside everyting
The whole world of people that live and die
...
It's only me and him and we fall into each other
Never touching.
With only our eyes.

[Sharon]

Jun 3, 2014 10:43:28 GMT -6 maieen said:

I am not a native English speaker, so please correct if there are any errors.

This spring (Sweep of days)

I spend my nights either alone, exhausted
Wrapped in breathless thoughts
Becoming someone else
Listening to my ever-adventurous friend
Admiring her intricately organized mind
Or pressing my body against another
But once, only once
I spent my night in his beautiful house
I soaked up every shining smile, every perfect joke
Like I stumbled upon a once forgotten part of me
I felt wonder and completeness and something else
Something that has no name
Something that makes you lay aside everyting
The whole world of people that live and die
...
It's only me and him and we fall into each other
Never touching.
With only our eyes.

I’m sorry that I’ve only just come across this now. I’m curious, what is your native language?

I like the deeper message that’s coming through here although I’m a little confused because you mention both pronouns her, him, and his. I’m afraid to suggest edits because depending on what your are trying to say… we’ll replacing certain words or rearranging the sentence structure can really take away what you’re trying to portray. I hope you find yourself back here at SD because I’d love to see you rewrite this and see what it can develop into.