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Post by downwithquinn on Nov 13, 2013 11:17:14 GMT -6
The Pond
Days stretch on as empty as the ravine you once took me to; I remember how the banks were dry, cracked and angry red, but the middle still held mud like thick, black blood inside. Small fish had died in that mud and the flies ate them now. Frogs still buried beneath it and hid in the tangles of weeds still stubbornly sprouting. The pond could still remember what it meant to be a pond, still remembered in the mud what it meant to be full and not empty, what the rain meant when it fell, remembered what it felt like to be full as I remember, now, what it was like back when the summer rain fell and I kissed you like the rain kissed you to the song of bullfrogs.
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Post by Absinthe on Nov 13, 2013 22:13:39 GMT -6
"...The pond could still remember what it meant to be a pond, still remembered in the mud what it meant to be full and not empty, what the rain meant when it fell, remembered what it felt like to be full as I remember,"
I liked this bit the best. I really enjoy the personification of nature when it plays well, and this played well.
I also really liked the first line;
"Days stretch on as empty as the ravine you once took me to"
It is a rather melancholy start, but it draws you in.
On the whole, though, I didn't love it. It was good and I really enjoyed the parts mentioned above, but something just didn't sit keenly with me. Overall, though, nice job.
I look forward to reading more from you.
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Post by Sharon on Nov 13, 2013 22:46:33 GMT -6
The PondSmall fish had died in that mud and the flies ate them now. Frogs still buried beneath it and hid in the tangles of weeds still stubbornly sprouting. There is something about the visual of flies...almost like vultures, you can kind of assume something has died when present. I also like the part about the weeds stubbornly sprouting...as if to say there really is no point to strive and live there it seems but because the weeds still have life and is able to thrive...so it does. Thank you for sharing!
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Post by downwithquinn on Nov 15, 2013 9:37:17 GMT -6
On the whole, though, I didn't love it. It was good and I really enjoyed the parts mentioned above, but something just didn't sit keenly with me. Absinthe, could you be a bit more specific with your criticism? Any idea what made it not sit keenly with you? Can't improve if I don't know exactly where I need to improve. Thank you for pointing out the points you did like and why you liked them, though; that was helpful. @sharon, thank you for your comments! I'll be sure to share more!
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Post by Absinthe on Nov 16, 2013 14:50:30 GMT -6
. . .could you be a bit more specific with your criticism? Any idea what made it not sit keenly with you? Can't improve if I don't know exactly where I need to improve. Thank you for pointing out the points you did like and why you liked them, though; that was helpful. It isn't anything you need or should fix. There is nothing specific I don't like. It is very well written and technically, sound. It's just that we don't love every well-written poem we read, no matter how great it may be. The sections I pointed out were snippets I liked, the rest I'm fairly neutral on. Sorry, I can't give you a "fix this and I will like it" answer.
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Post by downwithquinn on Nov 17, 2013 10:31:04 GMT -6
@absinthe, that's okay! I just wanted to make sure there wasn't anything I needed to improve particularly. Everyone has different aesthetics so if it was just a "this is good, but not my style" thing, that's okay. Thank you for your comments!
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