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Post by jigglytuffy on Dec 18, 2005 23:16:30 GMT -6
Broken Promises
I sit by myself at the table today I want you to ask if I'm feeling okay I want you to love me just like before I want to be with you I want you some more
I see you with her and it makes me cry I feel like I'm falling like I'm going to die Life just isn't fair, but what can I do? How can I tell you that I still love you?
Broken promises are all I have left I sat on my bed and there I have wept Day after day, week after week I’m longing for something, something that’s deep
I just can't believe it has come to an end The way that you said we should be friends The fact that it's over means nothing to you How can I tell you that I still love you?
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Post by Laura on Dec 19, 2005 15:01:48 GMT -6
Hmm ... well, it's one big cliché but it flowed well. Some of the rhymes seemed a bit forced and the ending was kind of weird since you rhymed "you" with "you" ...
forced rhyme:
"Day after day, week after week I’m longing for something, something that’s deep"
and
"I want you to love me just like before I want to be with you I want you some more"
nice lines:
"I sat on my bed and there I have wept"
and
"I just can't believe it has come to an end"
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Post by Sharon on Dec 20, 2005 19:31:06 GMT -6
[glow=purple,2,300]i liked everything in this stanza except the last part - it kind of threw me off. [/glow] [glow=purple,2,300]I really liked these lines.[/glow] [glow=purple,2,300]VERY nice stanza, no complaints about this one i think with the use of a little more punctuation this will be a better piece. i liked this, please keep writing.[/glow]
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Post by Only Me on Jan 19, 2006 17:41:29 GMT -6
I almost missed this one in the index! See, you all really gotta keep me on my toes. I seriously just got done counting everything out so that I could make sure I got it right... and now onto the next section... ha ha... ok so for some feed back on your poem. It was good. A little cliche, but good none the less. I could feel emotion but it seemed like maybe you had writers block but wanted to write and this was forced. not the rhyming so much as the whole thing. Like you had to dig as deep into you as you possible could go because the block was in your way... like you tried pushing it out of the way but it wouldn't budge... make any sense to you? anyways, yes, do keep writing... so far I haven't seen anymore of your work... well I don't think I have. If I missed anymore, please do let me know... the brain waves are coming in a little short these days...
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Post by allmeheart on Feb 2, 2006 16:58:02 GMT -6
i loved this but there is one suggestion "I want to be with you I want you some more" i say you should revise the ending of the line, the "some more" part took away from the significance of the poem but the overall affect was very powerful
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