Chrono
A Devoted Distraction
It as the at point which we think we know the most that we truly know the least.
Posts: 228
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Winter
May 31, 2007 16:52:20 GMT -6
Post by Chrono on May 31, 2007 16:52:20 GMT -6
Here's a short poem I wrote. Snow so white falls to the ground Night so quiet makes no sound
Hope so light flows through the air Fire so bright cradles with care
Dreamers so lost look towards the sky Stars so bright, unreachable, so high
Lovers so cold huddle in eachothers' hold Stories so old, long forgotten, are told
Winters so long go on forever Winters so wonderful we will always remember
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Winter
Jun 1, 2007 14:27:57 GMT -6
Post by NotSoPerfect on Jun 1, 2007 14:27:57 GMT -6
Well I enjoyed the comparison/contrasts in each stanza, but I felt like the rhyming was a little off. At least in the second stanza. There were just far too many syllables in the second line and it threw off the flow for me.
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nina
A Devoted Distraction
Posts: 189
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Winter
Feb 26, 2008 15:16:04 GMT -6
Post by nina on Feb 26, 2008 15:16:04 GMT -6
My favorite lines are "Lovers so cold huddle in eachothers' hold/ Stories so old, long forgotten, are told"
I like the imagery that comes to my mind when I read that. Keep up the good work.
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Winter
Feb 26, 2008 15:26:32 GMT -6
Post by Isabela on Feb 26, 2008 15:26:32 GMT -6
I like this one:
"Dreamers so lost look towards the sky"
I think that's me, a dreamer. Always searching for something new, yet never wanting to lose the old.
Great job
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Winter
Feb 26, 2008 18:10:07 GMT -6
Post by Laura on Feb 26, 2008 18:10:07 GMT -6
I thought it was pretty good. This line "Fire so bright cradles people in its' care" kind of broke the rhythm, possibly "Fire so bright cradles with care" just seems the way you have it there's too many syllables and doesn't flow right. Otherwise a nice little piece.
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Chrono
A Devoted Distraction
It as the at point which we think we know the most that we truly know the least.
Posts: 228
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Winter
Mar 4, 2008 1:54:31 GMT -6
Post by Chrono on Mar 4, 2008 1:54:31 GMT -6
Ya, reading it now I see what you are saying.
I'll change:
Hope so light flows through the air Fire so bright cradles people in its' care
To what you suggested. What does everyone else think? Does it make it sound better? Any other lines that stand out?
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