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Post by thecrazybeautiful on Mar 23, 2006 16:09:07 GMT -6
This is just something I came up with the other day. I don't know how I came up with it, but I just started writing, and wala! A poem! I didn't really think it was a love poem, so I figured it was kinda about life... Anyway, here goes...
Life's A Beach
We're not crashing anymore. And I'll ask "Why aren't we crashing?" and I'll hear no, feel no reply.
No answer, no movement. Can we stay frozen forever? And I'll never blink, never breathe, it'll feel fresh as the day begins. Fresh like the air I'm not consuming. Everything in you that you've taken from me.
You've taken my eyes, my will to move.
I don't mind that falling was the best part. The feel of air on air, water on water, fingers to fingers. They were all falling, crashing, burning, but we're not on fire. Lord help me if we're ever on fire. Conducting flames was never left up to us, being the waves we are.
And someday we'll go back and mold that castle again, where the crashing first began. Grain upon grain of sand, we're filling up our lungs, and slowly, slowly now, sinking to the bottom of ourselves.
I've seen kite strings lost in a wind that's still blowing. I've circled around on a world that's still spinning. We'd never guess life would leave us like this, our purpose locked in the moment. It's never going to be our best.
But tell me, tell me. We'll crash again somewhere. Someday.
Tell me.
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Post by Laura on Mar 23, 2006 16:14:44 GMT -6
"You've taken my eyes, my will to move"
--good.
"The feel of air on air, water on water, fingers to fingers. They were all falling, crashing, burning, but we're not on fire"
--I like the repetition and the idea of burning but not on fire ... I like to think that myself sometimes.
"Conducting flames was never left up to us, being the waves we are."
--and then the idea of not being about to create flames because you're water ... excellent.
"I've seen kite strings lost in a wind that's still blowing"
--this gave me an idea ... I would really like to see someone, or myself, haha, to use something along the lines of seeing something blowing in a wind that's completely still ... is that an interesting idea or not?
The ending could possibly use some revising, in my opinion. I just didn't think it was up to the rest of the poem but this was still a great read. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
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Post by thecrazybeautiful on Mar 23, 2006 16:20:57 GMT -6
Still wind. Is that possible? Lol
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Post by Laura on Mar 23, 2006 16:27:29 GMT -6
I don't know, that's why I like it.
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Post by thecrazybeautiful on Mar 23, 2006 16:31:26 GMT -6
Oooooooooooh.
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stupidxgirl
A Devoted Distraction
So You Sailed Away...
Posts: 229
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Post by stupidxgirl on Mar 23, 2006 17:15:36 GMT -6
I loved this actually, not to be rude but before I read it I didn't think it would be this good LoL. Mostly because of the title I think, but that's another point and isn't important. I can't pick a favorite part because I loved all of it. But, certain lines did stick out more then others.
"We'd never guess life would leave us like this, our purpose locked in the moment. It's never going to be our best.
But tell me, tell me. We'll crash again somewhere."
I really loved the emotion in this part, it was so real and so believable sorta, I don't know I'm just rambling LoL, but I enjoyed it so much!
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jtalago
Contently A Distraction
Posts: 46
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Post by jtalago on Apr 28, 2006 12:45:42 GMT -6
VERY interesting. You pulled off the free flowing style real well. Even your repetition was useful and added a lot. I also didn't think it was going to be good w/ the title I really enjoyed it. Usually dont see original structures and ideas that are pulled off well. Usually don't like reading longer stuff, but this was def. an exception. Great job!
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Post by Only Me on Jul 11, 2006 0:30:53 GMT -6
"The feel of air on air, water on water, fingers to fingers." I really like the repitition in this one. nice work.
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