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Post by Laura on Jan 29, 2006 17:41:22 GMT -6
a crowded hallway in an empty hospital 4:48 am it's breathing could have sworn there was a siren
a red towel, a blue blanket, a few tables and utensils a tired face, a weakened smile, a few anxious feet
they would gather, my palms are sweating could have sworn a father was dancing first time in years his tip toes touched an icy floor first time in years he heard a baby's cry that was blood related
water waving under the white lights fingers snapping, lips clicking, toes tapping footprints tattooed to form a maze
a winter breath, a January birth date, a few eyes tearing a new era, a gradual incline, a few baby cries
they would gather, 4:48 am she's breathing.
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Post by Absinthe on Jan 29, 2006 21:29:12 GMT -6
[glow=black,2,300] I love this. It's flows extremely well and is an easy, enjoyable read. My favorite part:
"a winter breath, a January birth date, a few eyes tearing a new era, a gradulate incline, a few baby cries
they would gather, 4:48 am she's breathing. "
........excellent.[/glow]
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stupidxgirl
A Devoted Distraction
So You Sailed Away...
Posts: 229
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Post by stupidxgirl on Jan 30, 2006 19:31:20 GMT -6
This is beautiful.
'they would gather, my palms are sweating could have sworn a father was dancing first time in years his tip toes touched an icy floor first time in years he heard a baby's cry that was blood related'
That's a really great image. water waving under the white lights fingers snapping, lips clicking, toes tapping footprints tattooed to form a maze'
And that really captures a lot. Like I said, wonderful job. The ending was so simple, but so powerful.
Bren '
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Post by Only Me on May 30, 2006 17:50:39 GMT -6
"they would gather, my palms are sweating could have sworn a father was dancing first time in years his tip toes touched an icy floor first time in years he heard a baby's cry that was blood related"
to me "that was blood related" seems a bit akward to me as I was reading. I really liked this piece, but that one little line made me fumble as I was reading.
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