PAIN (1 of my poems from 2003)

[puchik0]

[glow=blue,2,300]

Pain
I try to keep up but I cant
This is pain is just too hard to take
I dont know what to do anymore
This is pain just wont away.
I try so hard but theres no joy
I try so hard but the pain never goes.
What can I do to make it stop?
Because everyday that passes by the pain goes deeper inside
Theres nothing I can do to stop it
Because the pain is killing me within
Now my heart is just a black void
That cant feel joy anymore.
Im too tired to go on
I tried but I cant go on.
I hope that one day it goes away
So that I can be myself again,
And not the person that I am today.

[/glow]

this is a poem from 2003, so yeah it kinda isnt that good & i accept that. so after you are done reading keep in mind that this was an early piece and that back then i wasnt so good at it. ;D

[Sharon]

yup it's pretty rough, I assume that you're posting this because you want to make it better?

you might want to substitute different terms for "pain" (I know that's the title you chose for this poem, it's just it sounds like it's being repeated too much, you know?)

there are few grammar things like lack of apostrophies like in the first line (although it's not a HUGE deal or anything, we can understand without it, but it wouldn't hurt to add an apostrophe you know?

might wanna take a look at the second line:
"This is pain is just too hard to take"

That's what I found at first glance, if you'd like a deeper analysis for more tips on how to make this better, just ask. I think people would be more than happy to help you out here

[NotSoPerfect]

again, if you feel like you want something improved, don't be afraid to edit it.

keep writing and read other people's work, too. not like here but the greats - Poe, Plath, Dunbar, etc. They might inspire and teach you

[allmeheart]

the idea and the message of the poem was good, not sure you made it come across very easily because of the wording, i think it needs improvement(sp?) , if you ask me, other than repetition of the same words and sayings, its good

[Samccaleb]

I think that you put a lot of thought into this. Other than a few minor errors like I think there is a word missing in one line, its a really good poem. The repetition gets the point across quite well. I dont know if you like Evanescence or not but your poem is almost like some of the songs. This is very well written. Keep writing. Good job,

[Only Me]

"Now my heart is just a black void
That cant feel joy anymore." I love these lines... it is very similar to something I wrote that I may share with you all... only it is totally on a whole other subject... thanks for sharing this piece!