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Post by aroundtheway on May 26, 2006 1:17:55 GMT -6
These four walls en capture me Caught up in the symphony The rhythm that beats in my chest In the soul I choose to invest For each day passes the same Stuck playing the game Down to the depths Watching the sun set On your beautiful face Covered with grace A cross so entangled Only to be strangled Rewind for a just a second Live for just a second
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Post by thecrazybeautiful on May 29, 2006 18:54:20 GMT -6
I don't really like the rhyming in this. Some of the lines don't seem to go with the rest. But I think 'Cell Therapy' is an interesting idea, and I feel that with some work, this could be better.
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Post by Laura on Jun 9, 2006 11:45:18 GMT -6
"Down to the depths Watching the sun set On your beautiful face"
--I enjoyed these lines. The rhythm was there and the rhyme wasn't all that bad, but there is something missing. The ending ... possibly, how it doesn't rhyme or maybe it's all in the delivery. It's hard to decipher over the internet.
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Post by Only Me on Jun 24, 2006 0:57:32 GMT -6
the ryhming is too forced. And then the second and second put line after line... it just seemed like you tried to hard to make it rhyme... you know what I mean?
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BlueMoon
A Dedicated Distraction
Posts: 87
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Post by BlueMoon on Feb 3, 2007 17:55:45 GMT -6
I agree with some of the other comments on the rhyming. However, I think that if you added a little more 'meat' onto the phrases that it could work. I thought that the message however at the end was clear to me.
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