|
Memory
Mar 11, 2006 10:05:44 GMT -6
Post by The Sightless Dreamer on Mar 11, 2006 10:05:44 GMT -6
A moment that I'll never forget A day that I will always regret I shouldn't have been so small I should have been more strong
A pain I shouldn't have ever felt A child never made A baby born a mother torn
Now she sits all alone Never to show her face Cause it should never happen It couldn't ever happen again.
|
|
|
Memory
Mar 11, 2006 11:47:11 GMT -6
Post by Laura on Mar 11, 2006 11:47:11 GMT -6
This is a bit confusing because I'm unsure of what is happening ... why is the person torn? What should never happen again?
"A pain I shouldn't"
--what does this mean? A pain you shouldn't what? Clarify.
Also, "shoulda" kind of sounds like something that would be in a rap ... it's okay to lengthen a poem by using the full "should have"
|
|
stupidxgirl
A Devoted Distraction
So You Sailed Away...
Posts: 229
|
Memory
Mar 11, 2006 14:41:02 GMT -6
Post by stupidxgirl on Mar 11, 2006 14:41:02 GMT -6
I totally agree with Laura. "Shoulda" to me cheapens the work, and the unclear vibe it sends could really put someone off, be specific next time. You have good messages people can relate to, you just need a little work making it stronger. But that is just my opinion.
|
|
|
Memory
Mar 12, 2006 16:57:23 GMT -6
Post by The Sightless Dreamer on Mar 12, 2006 16:57:23 GMT -6
Its kinda personal what happend... i didnt just come out to tell, thats not how i write
|
|