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Wishes
Mar 11, 2006 10:00:13 GMT -6
Post by The Sightless Dreamer on Mar 11, 2006 10:00:13 GMT -6
I wish that I could forget that day, That day that cause me so much pain He took everything, and it meant nothing All of my dreams washed away
Washed away like the blood on the floor Blood in the sink and on the floor So much for such a small soul So, late one night she just let go
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Wishes
Mar 11, 2006 11:44:28 GMT -6
Post by Laura on Mar 11, 2006 11:44:28 GMT -6
"Washed away like the blood on the floor Blood in the sink and on the floor"
--repetition of blood on the floor ... it just doesn't work. It just makes the reader think "didn't I just read that?" The ending though:
"So much for such a small soul So, late one night she just let go"
--was good and effective ... I liked this part. The poem just needs some TLC and it'll be in tip top shape.
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