Untitled [Loss of Faith]

[Absinthe]

[glow=black,2,300] Actually, I just penned this one. What do you think?


This scolding water is as hot as it gets
Fire rains down upon virgin flesh
A million tiny pinpricks stabbing,
Working to wash away
The sins of the moment
Nerve endings scream in protest
Before sizzling and gasping
For last breath

[Numb]

The sound tells me I’m alive
The pitter patter of water droplets
Against bare skin the only
Clue to being there,
Present in the moment,
Begging God yet again
To forgive my transgressions

[Tired]

Scrubbing raw doesn’t ease the pain
Only intensifies it
Sore throat, dry from tears
Crackles and chokes
Spent eyes weep dry tears
An upheaval of strength
Would save a soul

[Sorry]

But God doesn’t hand out freebies
To fly-by-night wannabe born agains
Who say one thing, do another
Hypocrite, can’t stand
To see my reflection
Shame sits behind clear blue eyes
Endless apologies and empty promises

[Lost]

Too bad faith has failed me
Left deserted in the middle of metropolis
No idea which way is home
North leads to dead ends and flashbacks
South leads to the unknown
A perfect life left in shambles
By one tiny mistake

Damning God burns bridges



[/glow]

[Laura]

"For last breath"

--I feel it should be for a last breath or the ... sounds weird with just the "for last breath".

"Against bare skin the only
Clue to being there,"

--I think there should be a comma or something separating "against bare skin" and "the only"

Now, this was a good poem. I'm unsure what the "sin" behind this is that is creating punishment. This was a nice line:

"Spent eyes weep dry tears"

and

"To fly-by-night wannabe born agains"

--interesting way of putting it.

[Absinthe]

Wow.....I'd nearly forgotten about this one. Thanks for responding, Laura. Thanks for the tips as well, but the comma you suggested doesn't quite fit with the way I read it. I read these three lines:

"The pitter patter of water droplets
Against bare skin the only
Clue to being there,"

as one complete thought, sentance. The comma would kind of break that up for me. And the "For last breath" is another one of those style things for me.

As for the "sin" behind this - it's a combination of a myriad of things that were piling up around the time I wrote this.

[NotSoPerfect]

The format was cool. I really liked the way you had the [words] seperating the stanzas.