iamsam
Wishes To Be A Distraction
Posts: 15
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Trapped
Dec 23, 2005 12:09:18 GMT -6
Post by iamsam on Dec 23, 2005 12:09:18 GMT -6
When I wrote this, I was thinking of it as a song. But then I couldn't find a place for a chorus and something that could be repeated, so I just wrote it out and waited to see what it would become. There's still a tune in my head when I read it though. It rhymes, and I don't usually write rhyming poems anymore, but it just fit.
I try to escape you, but to no avail. I cry in my pillow and damn you to hell, you live to control me and all I do, but nothing will ever be enough for you.
You say that you love me and my low self esteem, just one of the qualities you gave to me. I strive to please you, but you're never satisfied. Should I stay or go, will I ever decide?
You placed this burden on my shoulders, I carry it for you as your heart gets colder. Your hate gets bigger and your compassion grows small, you're getting angry, it's obvious to all.
I'll take the pain and bury it under my skin, no one will see it and I won't show it ever again. Just let me crumble and fall to pieces, it's getting worse, but I fail to believe it.
Here it comes again, your loving wrath, your affectionate hatred on my behalf. It's as natural as breathing to you, but to me, it's evil and makes you cruel.
I've planned my getaway, I will run to where I belong. You'll will find me, but it will take how long? I'm scared and cold and alone, but anything is better than being trapped in your hold.
-Samantha S.
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Trapped
Dec 23, 2005 12:39:43 GMT -6
Post by Laura on Dec 23, 2005 12:39:43 GMT -6
"it's getting worse, but I fail to believe it."
--I really like this line. Failing to believe ... people usually don't use that word to describe it.
"but it will take how long?"
--consider rephrasing this. Perhaps "but will it take long?" or something along those lines.
"I strive to please you, but you're never satisfied. Should I stay or go, will I ever decide?"
--good.
I liked this. It didn't have completely forced rhyme, at least none too noticeable, and most of the rhymes were subtle anyways. Good job.
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