As Days Go By

[jigglytuffy]

I hope this fits into the correct category. Forgive me if it doesn't. This was the piece of writing that made me realize that I was born to be a writer:

Many nights and days I wonder
When will it end
Everyday I looked to you
Just as a friend

I don't know how long it will last
Where to go
Or do I look from the past

As days go by
I start to cry
I want to know why
You left me

Why did you have to go
I think that maybe it's time to let you know
What you've done to me

I miss you so much
Words can't explain the way I felt
It's like it was a crush

As days go by
I start to cry
Now I know why
You left me

It's been a month now
Can you believe it wow
I'm thinking of you everyday
Since that night you passed and went away

But now you are free
This is a poem from the bottom of my heart
I hope you can see

I really miss you oh how I cry
I wonder why you had to die
As days go by

[Laura]

I liked the ending:

"I really miss you oh how I cry
I wonder why you had to die
As days go by "

--but the rhyme scheme seemed to be kind of all over the place and not structured well. Also, some of the rhymes were forced, example:

"It's been a month now
Can you believe it wow"

and

"I don't know how long it will last
Where to go
Or do I look from the past"

--there is no doubt you're showcasing a strong emotion but it's just difficult to grasp the true sadness in it when its flow is jumping all over.

Also, I don't get this:

"It's like it was a crush"

--is this about someone you liked and died? It's kind of unclear. With revision, this could be better.

Also, this is about the death of someone, so it would fit into the Dark Poetry because depressing poetry goes here.

[Only Me]

death=dark most of the time... unless you believe in reincarnation... in which case you go onto a better life, maybe as a bird... and get to watch over all the people you love and haunt those you didn't... ok so off on another subject anyways, GRREAT poem! I'm loving it! Especially the "It's been a month now
Can you believe it wow
I'm thinking of you everyday
Since that night you passed and went away

But now you are free" Keep up the good work... and I look forward to reading more...

[jigglytuffy]

I wrote that when I was 13 or 14, my poems have gotten better, I think. Thanks for feedback guys.

[Only Me]

oh its fine... its a great piece... never doubt your work because of the age you wrote it at... a write should always be proud of thier work no matter what others may think... I personally think this piece is good!

[jigglytuffy]

Thanks. Alot of my poems really aren't that clear, as far as the message or theme goes. That's a problem I need to fix, so I welcome the feedback.

[Only Me]

as long as you understand them, then they are clear enough, people can come to their own conclusions on what they mean but only the write should know the true meaning behind the words...