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Pain
Oct 30, 2005 11:01:27 GMT -6
Post by badgirl on Oct 30, 2005 11:01:27 GMT -6
Pain Is Ripping You Apart
Pain is ripping you apart The pain moves closer to your heart The pain you have can never go away No matter what the pains still here to stay You try to have happiness But the world provides only lonliness why must you feel this pain Your left standing out in the rain Why must you feel this way Why can't they just go away Pain and sorrow Sorrow and pain Always remember there's another day That other day is tomorrow There may not be any sorrow When the world is bright and bloomy You'll be sitting there sad and gloomy Think about the pain that is ripping you apart.
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Pain
Oct 30, 2005 11:47:39 GMT -6
Post by Absinthe on Oct 30, 2005 11:47:39 GMT -6
[glow=black,2,300] It wasn't bad, but the rhyming seemed forced and that threw off the meaning quite a bit for me. Nice try though.
"Always remember theres another day"
I liked that line though. Very inspirational [/glow]
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Pain
Oct 31, 2005 17:55:20 GMT -6
Post by Sharon on Oct 31, 2005 17:55:20 GMT -6
[glow=purple,2,300]i think that if you use a little more punctuation this could be a better piece. perhaps if you could find other words to replace some of the "pains" that'd be good too. thank you for posting this, i'd like to see some revision if possible. i like what you got going here.[/glow]
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Pain
Nov 5, 2005 14:15:05 GMT -6
Post by Only Me on Nov 5, 2005 14:15:05 GMT -6
"Your left standing" "Your" should be "You are" "he pains still" "pain's" Also, punctuation and capitalization. Each new line in a poem needs to have a capital letter... but great work! with a little help it can be awesome!
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xxdarkxangelxx
Contently A Distraction
Love me for who I am not who I've become
Posts: 30
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Pain
Dec 4, 2005 12:49:47 GMT -6
Post by xxdarkxangelxx on Dec 4, 2005 12:49:47 GMT -6
maybe if you used spaces inbetween lines that would help. give the words some time to sink in.it just seems a little run together thats all. other than that good job.
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Pain
Dec 19, 2005 18:21:31 GMT -6
Post by Laura on Dec 19, 2005 18:21:31 GMT -6
My problem is that I am not a huge fan of rhyme and the only times I really enjoy rhyme fully is when it has a nice flow and this wasn't flowing for me. It wasn't badly written, it's just rhyme scheme and or the rhythm. I know the feeling of this though, sadness, loneliness ... solitude and emptiness.
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