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Silence
Jun 14, 2005 1:09:51 GMT -6
Post by Only Me on Jun 14, 2005 1:09:51 GMT -6
[glow=black,2,300] This is something I wrote a while back just after my little sister died... just comment on the writing... no pity please...
The earth was silent. . . not a peep to be heard. . . At her funeral they sat, straight faces, not one said a word. . . In her coffin all dressed in white. . . She looked like an angel ready to take flight. . . As I got up and began to speak. . . Tears ran down my already wet cheek. . . She was too young to die. . . But we must all say good-bye. . . Everyone dies its part of his plan. . . The preacher said with a sigh and amen. . .
[/glow]
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lockely
A Devoted Distraction
i'm only happy when it rains
Posts: 109
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Silence
Jun 14, 2005 1:22:14 GMT -6
Post by lockely on Jun 14, 2005 1:22:14 GMT -6
[glow=black,2,300]that's beautiful, it truly is. my condolences X[/glow]
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Silence
Jun 14, 2005 18:47:24 GMT -6
Post by allmeheart on Jun 14, 2005 18:47:24 GMT -6
it was good only suggestion would be to change the rhyme scheme so when u read it, it'll flow better good job though
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Silence
Sept 7, 2005 21:17:41 GMT -6
Post by Only Me on Sept 7, 2005 21:17:41 GMT -6
i have actually been told to change it by many people... but when I wrote it I was trying to make it rhyme. My sister was 6 months old when she died and I used to sing little rhyming things that I made up to her... so I am not that worried about it flowing... as long as it rhymes...
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Silence
Sept 10, 2005 22:13:13 GMT -6
Post by Samccaleb on Sept 10, 2005 22:13:13 GMT -6
good job L. I think it sounds just fine. It hits you right in the heart.
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Silence
Sept 18, 2005 11:03:36 GMT -6
Post by Only Me on Sept 18, 2005 11:03:36 GMT -6
thanks
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Silence
Nov 28, 2005 17:09:18 GMT -6
Post by Laura on Nov 28, 2005 17:09:18 GMT -6
My only suggestion would be to change the font colour ... it's hard on the eyes.
It was a sweet poem for the subject matter. She'll know someday. It's a hard thing to deal with and it's amazing you made a poem this beautiful. I lost my aunt and I couldn't write anything because I was too angry.
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Silence
Dec 3, 2005 13:32:01 GMT -6
Post by Only Me on Dec 3, 2005 13:32:01 GMT -6
thanks, yea i was pretty angry at the time. I had a lot on my plate to deal with and that added to it. It was the doctor's fault, he put her on an adult repirator and collapsed both of her lungs. I am still very angry about it... and I will change the font color. I don't like red for it now...
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Silence
Dec 3, 2005 13:35:52 GMT -6
Post by Laura on Dec 3, 2005 13:35:52 GMT -6
Ah, I can't believe the doctor. I would be very angry ... moreso than when I lost my aunt because I knew she was going to die (cancer).
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Silence
Dec 3, 2005 13:42:25 GMT -6
Post by Only Me on Dec 3, 2005 13:42:25 GMT -6
yea, with lakota it took about a week. My mom took her in cause she was congested, she had a simple cold. The doctor sent her home with nothing saying nothing was wrong with her, later that night we had to rush her to the E.R. becuase her eyes started bleeding from suffocation cuase she was so congested. They cleared her lungs out and then put her on the repirator, collapsed her lungs caused her to go brain dead and after 4 days of going through all that she was already gone they just kept her on the machines, then sent her to a different hospital to cover up their mistakes, The other hospital took her off the machines once they concluded that she was gone before she had even arrived... They are the ones who advised us to sue the docs at the other hospital...
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Silence
Dec 3, 2005 13:44:10 GMT -6
Post by Laura on Dec 3, 2005 13:44:10 GMT -6
That doctor should not have a job now. That is a major mistake, and I hoped you sued him ... although, it can never bring back what has happened.
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Silence
Dec 3, 2005 13:51:04 GMT -6
Post by Only Me on Dec 3, 2005 13:51:04 GMT -6
my mom sued but they brought us around the block so many times and it took so long, my mom just wanted it to be done and over with so she gave in and he is still in practice, he is at a different hospital, but still in practice. My cousin didn't know and he killed her baby too... She is still in the process of suing him... he will lose his license now...
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Silence
Dec 3, 2005 14:09:40 GMT -6
Post by Laura on Dec 3, 2005 14:09:40 GMT -6
Geez, I hope so.
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Silence
Dec 3, 2005 16:45:39 GMT -6
Post by jigglytuffy on Dec 3, 2005 16:45:39 GMT -6
I thought the poem was well written.
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Post by Only Me on Dec 4, 2005 1:58:18 GMT -6
thanks
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