"The Breath of Song"

[Absinthe]

Another piece done for my creative writing class. We had 3 minutes to write after we were given a piece of paper with a title developed by a classmate. The title I received was "The Breath of Song" and this is the poem that came out of it. . . . .





swirling in melody,
each inhalation on a downbeat
exhale to the rhythm of the drum.
breathe it all in. . .

. . . intoxication.

grinding with abandon,
sweat dripping from gyrating bodies,
scantily clad and heartily drunk
with the feeling.
Smell the inspiration
like sweet, sour mixed drinks
flowing over crsytal cubes. . .

. . . ecstasy.

hearts pounding in rhythm
riding a C-note
up,
up,
up,
before spiraling down. . .

. . . oblivion.




OK, so what do you think?

[Sharon]

swirling in melody,
each inhalation on a downbeat
exhale to the rhythm of the drum.
breathe it all in. . .

. . . intoxication.

excellent. you've got my attention right at the beginning. it flowed perfectly.

i think it ended a bit abruptly but what do you expect from a 3 minute exercise eh? i enjoyed that, thanks for sharing this with us. i think if you were to revise it and add more to it, you'll have an even better final product.

[Laura]

It felt like I was in this dirty club somewhere with whorish girls ... but I guess that means you did well for the imagery.

"grinding with abandon"

--I personally think this would sound better as "abandonment" ... not bad

[thecrazybeautiful]

"Smell the inspiration
like sweet, sour mixed drinks
flowing over crsytal cubes. . .

. . . ecstasy."

Ha, I like that.

Not bad for three minutes.

[Only Me]

three minutes. nice. I always got so frustrated because there was so much I wanted to write and not enough time to do it... lol. so it would be choppy and poorly put together and well. yea.

I like it. I agree with Sharon, with a little more time and energy the final product could be amazing.