:: Robbed ::

[allmeheart]

"Robbed"

A gun pointed straight to your head
Say the wrong thing and you'll be dead
Just hand me your wallet you hear him scream
This is far too realistic to be a dream

You were heading for your car right after work
When in the shadows you saw him lurk
He demanded your money and your keys
But his desires you weren't able to please

See your cash was safely locked away
Inside the glove compartment that day
Now you’re praying that you he won't shoot
Just because you couldn’t give him the loot

There’s nobody around to hear you shout
No one there to help you out
This man doesn’t care who you’ve been
Or the person you claim to be within

You have nothing for him to take
You realize this and start to shake
He has you trapped against the wall
You draw a blank on what could stall

He pulls the trigger & the bullet penetrates your brain
Leaving the brick w/ a bloody stain
A crimson puddle lies at your feet
The stranger now flees from the street

Your life he took and he’s gained nothing more
Than another crime to add to his score
Maybe he wanted the cash for drugs
Or maybe he was trying to be accepted by "thugs"

It doesn’t really matter though the outcome remains the same
Your family is consumed with hate but them you cannot blame
You were shot because of a person’s greed
And you've been denied your chance to succeed

Justice now you may never receive
And the goals you'd made you can't achieve
But at least we all had a chance to know
A person who deserved to have gone out like a pro.

~Jessica~

A/N: Please help me come up with a better title if you can, suggestions would be greatly appreciated as well as comments and/or ratings.

[thecrazybeautiful]

Hmm. Not bad. Strong message.

I like the title as it is.

As of the poem. The rhyming was alright. Choice of words was good throughout. I'd have to say good job.

[Laura]

"Now you’re praying that you he won't shoot"

--consider rephrasing this, the "you" is in a strange place.

"This man doesn’t care who you’ve been"

--possibly a personal preference here but it would sound better if it was "who you are" and not been ... although then the next line wouldn't rhyme.

"You draw a blank on what could stall"

--this is confusing, could you clarify?

"Leaving the brick w/ a bloody stain"

--a poetry no-no, do not use short forms like w/ ... always spell out the word for full effect. Short forms/abbreviations usually ruin.

"Or maybe he was trying to be accepted by "thugs""

--it sounds too much like you were trying to rhyme with the line above (forced rhyme).

"It doesn’t really matter though the outcome remains the same"

--maybe a comma after though or replace though with a word like "because" to tie the sentence or to pause it.

"A person who deserved to have gone out like a pro."

--what does this actually mean? What is it supposed to be proving? A strange and unneeded ending ...

The rest was written fairly well. Like I've said before, it's hard to master the rhyme poem. It kind of went on a little longer than it needed to. It could have been just as effective if you made it shorter. Yes, you tried to detail as much as you could but some of the details you don't need ... some were saying the same thing just worded differently.

[Only Me]

I like it. At the end it made me wonder if this happened to a friend or relative of yours? That would be absolutely horrible. I could not imagine the pain the family would feel in the event that their sibling, daughter, mother etc, was stolen from them in this manner. As for the poem. nice. definetely a good choice of words...