Flawed Voice

[sharonslover]

I this is something I found a long time ago and I feel like it could be so much more. What do ya'll think?





I always dreamed that I could fly
Afraid of not touching the ground
If I should reach the sky
and I'm afraid of fallin down
Every time that I I try

Sometimes I wish that I didnt cry
Choose to not notice
as my eyes go dry
Choose to not focus
as my everything subsides

Why? cant I figure out WHY?
why I had the choice
and I let it slip by
cause I never had the voice
To ever take what's mine

I can look but I cant find
All I ever wanted
was a dream a dream thats mine
But ill always be haunted
because of my flawed design

[Sharon]

Sept 7, 2008 0:30:15 GMT -6 sharonslover said:

I this is something I found a long time ago and I feel like it could be so much more. What do ya'll think?

...looks familiar, have I you shown me this before? Anyway just a few comments for ya - a bit random that you finally sign on here it's cool though you should visit more often!

I always dreamed that I could fly
Afraid of not touching the ground
If I should reach the sky
and I'm afraid of fallin down
Every time that I I try

I would try switching it around a bit sort of like...

I always dreamed that I could fly
but been afraid of leaving ground-
And if I should reach the sky
I'd be afraid of falling down
every time that I try.

Sometimes I wish that I didnt cry
Choose to not notice
as my eyes go dry
Choose to not focus
as my everything subsides

For this part I'd consider a little re-arrangement like instead of "Choose to not" I'd revise as... "Choose not to"

Why? cant I figure out WHY?
why I had the choice
and I let it slip by
cause I never had the voice
To ever take what's mine

I can look but I cant find
All I ever wanted
was a dream a dream thats mine
But ill always be haunted
because of my flawed design

that's cool the way it is (Just stick the apostrophes where they should go as in: "Can't", "Didn't", etc...

...other wise good poem! ;D

[Isabela]

That was a nice poem. I agree with Sharon, a little rearranging would work. But otherwise good job. Oh and I also liked how it rhymed, sometimes that's hard to do.