grifter
A Devoted Distraction
Posts: 135
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Post by grifter on Oct 29, 2005 2:08:11 GMT -6
i am a bruise a bad haircut, the reason you lose the color blue in different hues just like something you can't use
you are a birthday that's coming up soon a perfect tune, and rain on the moon a sonic boom from green balloons like a hidden flower when it blooms
i am blood on recently broken glass carpet burns, the smell of gas interesting like watching two cars crash like something new thrown in the trash
you are warm honey candy, parachutes, and everything funny one part cloudy, two parts sunny like something special that doesn't cost money
i am an unloaded gun the same as the moon when it covers the sun like a game that isn't any fun splinters, tears, and someone you love
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Post by Laura on Oct 29, 2005 12:48:09 GMT -6
I liked it. I thought the flow as kind of off in spots and the last line doesn't really rhyme with the rest of that stanza but I don't mind. I liked the whole idea and some of the comparisons you used are amazing:
"i am an unloaded gun the same as the moon when it covers the sun"
--was my absolute favourite.
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Post by Sharon on Dec 15, 2005 22:16:07 GMT -6
[glow=purple,2,300]i loved how you presented the contrast between the two individuals... it's awesome that you can show reader this through words that aren't directly stating the differences but rather through words that are simply wonderfully symbolic.[/glow]
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Post by jigglytuffy on Dec 15, 2005 22:54:36 GMT -6
Yeah, I thought the ryhme scheme was not forced at all. It's very beautiful. I like the title and the fact that you only state it (parachutes) once. Nice!!
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Post by Only Me on Jul 4, 2006 23:50:53 GMT -6
two worlds brought together to form one being. A line from a poem I wrote, but this poem reminds me of it.
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