grifter
A Devoted Distraction
Posts: 135
|
Post by grifter on Oct 28, 2005 23:25:49 GMT -6
i know She shouldn't have gone and still She left before the dawn we had talked all night long and i had fell asleep
the Last Angel stood outside the gate of a most evil place a knowing grin spread 'cross Her face She was defenseless but ready
with the world's weight upon Her back She walked in and didn't look back the gate it closed the sky it cracked and it began to rain
i made my way to that place no way in so there i'd wait it seems the sky will never break the water rises high
over the walls the water rose over i swam to seek Her foes i would've killed them but to all my woe bodies were all i could see
everywhere were demons in decay everywhere i searched for Her beautiful face they floated by in a hellish parade and then i saw Her
as i swam to Her side the rain it stopped i started to cry for i was sure that She had died i held The Last Angel
Her weight is gone and now She rests i held Her tightly to my chest and slowly let out my last breath and allowed myself to sink
i held Her in that last embrace as water over air took place ever so gently She kissed my face and we were happy
|
|
|
Post by Laura on Oct 29, 2005 16:05:35 GMT -6
"the gate it closed the sky it cracked and it began to rain
i made my way to that place no way in so there i'd wait it seems the sky will never break the water rises high"
and
"Her weight is gone and now She rests i held Her tightly to my chest and slowly let out my last breath and allowed myself to sink
i held Her in that last embrace as water over air took place ever so gently She kissed my face and we were happy"
--were my favourite parts. I really like the rhyme scheme here and how the last line fits in well yet without rhyme. You've made me enjoy easily spoken rhyme again! Woo! I liked this idea too and how you kept Her, She, etc capitalized.
|
|
|
Post by Sharon on Dec 16, 2005 17:12:25 GMT -6
[glow=purple,2,300]Laura pretty much covered everything i wanted to say about this piece, i liked it - quite an enjoyable read [/glow]
|
|
|
Post by Only Me on Jul 4, 2006 23:43:20 GMT -6
"with the world's weight upon Her back She walked in and didn't look back the gate it closed the sky it cracked and it began to rain" "i held Her in that last embrace as water over air took place ever so gently She kissed my face and we were happy " I love these lines, they paint such a vivid picture.
|
|
|
Post by thecrazybeautiful on Jul 11, 2006 7:09:28 GMT -6
I like how this tells a story, and rhymes, yet the rhyming doesn't take away from it at all.
This seems like a story a father might tell his daughter when she's young, though for some reason it sounds a bit weird for me to say that... I can just imagine, though, a little girl smiling at the thought of her being the 'Last Angel."
|
|