elmarie
Contently A Distraction
Posts: 39
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Old Man
Oct 13, 2005 13:43:18 GMT -6
Post by elmarie on Oct 13, 2005 13:43:18 GMT -6
[shadow=red,left,300][glow=red,2,300]Old Man[/glow]
by El Marie. please tell me what you think. I got my ideas from the book 'Stargirl' by Jerri Spineli
Who is the old man sitting upon the bench out side the mall?
He is looking pretty sad, like one who has had a hard fall...
Is he someone's grandfather? Does he have family at all?
Does he have anyone to talk to? Anyone to call?
i observe him, from head to toe He is pale, wrinkly, and really quite tall.
hes had a whole life, through the sorrows and pain, the love and laughter, he's really had a ball.
Just one look at him, My emotions rise Just one look at him, I think i know
I take one look at him, And I can only bawl, for the selfishness of my actions, and the coldness of my world, is no life, compared to one sad old man, sitting on a bench outside the mall.[/shadow]
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Old Man
Oct 17, 2005 19:43:34 GMT -6
Post by Sharon on Oct 17, 2005 19:43:34 GMT -6
[glow=purple,2,300]i have never read "Star Girl" it sounds interesting though since it inspired you to write. you should revise the first line, other than that, good job with this piece. [/glow]
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Old Man
Oct 17, 2005 20:20:18 GMT -6
Post by Absinthe on Oct 17, 2005 20:20:18 GMT -6
[glow=black,2,300] I read Jerry Spinelli's Star Girl quite some time ago and I loved it. I must say that this poem definitely captures some of Star Girl's essence. Nice job, just one minor quibble.....
"Who is the old man is sitting"
The second 'is'......the one that I bolded, should be taken out. It definitely disrupts the flow of this line. Other than that, I would simply suggest reconsidering your color selection as it is hard to read, but nice job. [/glow]
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elmarie
Contently A Distraction
Posts: 39
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Old Man
Nov 18, 2005 20:53:35 GMT -6
Post by elmarie on Nov 18, 2005 20:53:35 GMT -6
hows that?
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Old Man
Nov 26, 2005 0:28:52 GMT -6
Post by allmeheart on Nov 26, 2005 0:28:52 GMT -6
the ending good but the rest just didnt seem to flow as well
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Post by Only Me on Dec 4, 2005 1:44:40 GMT -6
"and the coldness of my world, is no life, compared to one sad old man, sitting on a bench outside the mall." i don't know why but I like these lines... I work in a mall and there is this old man who used to come into our store all the time, he doesnt anymore but he seemed so lonely. He showed us pics of his grandkids which I thought was pretty cool, but then he said he hadn't seen any of them since they were babies, which was when the pictures were taken... and they were now like ages 7-15... it was really sad...
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