A Buried Heart

[jtalago]

This is a real rough draft. Let me know what u think, please.

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The lightning flashed
And opened my eyes
I heard your heart
Waving goodbye

Amidst the storm
In the telling light
My heart was exposed
In your dark eyes

So I covered and ran
I shuttered and clammed
Trying to retain
The leftover man

And when the bottoms of my feet
Rested on dry ground
Something discrete
Was found

A beaten heart
Running from fear
Its shameful mouth
Piercing my ear

You were the one
The only one fleeing
Covering your heart
From gushing feeling

You just buried it
Deep in the hurt
You wanted me
To feel first

[Absinthe]

Hmmm....It wasn't bad. It could definitely use a bit of work, but as you said, it's a rough draft,right? One of the big things I noticed was the rhyme. Many lines seemed forced into the ABCB DEFE GHIH..etc. rhyme scheme. You also lost the rhythm a few times.

"So I covered and ran
I shuttered and clammed
Trying to retain
The leftover man"

^^^^this stanza especially seemed forced. I don't like the use of the word 'clammed'. For one thing, is that even a word? Either way, it just seems out of place.

Dont get me wrong, there is potential in this. It just needs work. I've noticed in the pieces of yours that I've read that you do a lot of rhyme and sometimes it doesn't quite come together. May I suggest expanding your scope? Perhaps you could try some non-rhyming poetry? Maybe something with a little less structure, because I think that the structure of the strict pattern of rhyme like this makes it more difficult to effectively put your thoughts on the page. In the end, it's your writing. Keep your style, it is good. You have some good vocabulary. It's a hit or miss.

Either way, I highly doubt you write for the likes of me, so you can write this review off as complete drivel if you so wish. Overall, I think you have a lot of potential.