Lover's Lament

[jtalago]

This is an old one. The rhyming scheme isn't the best, but the feelings are honest. I think some of it is a bit cheesey. Let me know what u think.

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Lover's Lament


Grass is green
On the lawn that is seen
The sky is blue
In my eyes for you

But what is sight
Through lenses not right

The gap in my chest
The hole in my smile
The hope for tomorrow
I haven't seen in a while

Just an excuse
One of no use
A crutch
A reason of such

To keep my life
Keep for my own
To remain happy
In this living alone

My name
Written alone in cement

This is my life
Not what I'd meant
It's all that I've got
My lover's lament

[stupidxgirl]

I understand it, because I know the feeling very well. the ryhme switched a lot, but honestly I like that. It has a lot of potential really.

[Laura]

"The gap in my chest
The hole in my smile
The hope for tomorrow
I haven't seen in a while"

--I really liked this stanza. The opening seemed weird ... I didn't particularly like it but I kept reading and it got much better. Thanks for sharing.

[sagsdragonlvr]

I liked it .... at this point of my life I could say I feel as though I could relate to it. Keep up the great work, i'd like to see more

[thecrazybeautiful]

"But what is sight
Through lenses not right"

I really like those lines... I like the idea.

This was pretty nice.

[tragicxwhore]

I like this..it was simple..yet good.

[Sharon]

As a person that adores rhymes, i know that it almost seems like an obligation to incorporate the technique in your writing. one thing all writers who do this though, must learn to try and not 'force' the rhyming.

Grass is green
On the lawn that is seen
The sky is blue
In my eyes for you

perhaps you'll consider using synonyms or objects that is sometimes described by the adjective and substituting those words. ...like instead of green, maybe use emerald, instead of blue, maybe sapphire. with a little time and effort you can change it around and still place it into a rhyme-scheme.

For example:

Emerald of grass layered lawn
continues to grow into the dawn
this sapphire sky remains in view
just how my eyes await for you

....but that's just a suggestion. everyone has their own style. judging from your commentary though, you aren't very pleased with your final product. i definitely encourage you to revise.

[Absinthe]

I have to say I agree with what Sharon is saying here. The rhyme does seem quite forced in places. Keep working on it and I'm sure it could be a great poem.

[jtalago]

Thanks for the comments, everyone. Maybe I will go back and change this one...like I said it was real old.