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Post by xxrebel86xx on Apr 2, 2006 18:41:18 GMT -6
In the arms, Of someone so strong, I feel that I've done something wrong. There's more pain, Makes me feel insane. Torn as if, Three parts of my heart, Have split. Love is so stupid, When I'm torn in the middle. I need to be saved!
I don't wanna be in love, I don't wanna look insane. But I've been there, And I've done that.
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Post by Laura on Apr 2, 2006 18:43:21 GMT -6
It sounds unfinished but it's not bad. This:
"I don't wanna be in love"
--could really work if used effectively.
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stupidxgirl
A Devoted Distraction
So You Sailed Away...
Posts: 229
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Post by stupidxgirl on Apr 2, 2006 18:47:20 GMT -6
"Torn as if, Three parts of my heart, Have split."
That's the only part that really jumped out to me. It wasn't great, but it was good. I agree that it sounded unfinished though. And this part
"I don't wanna be in love" I think it's a good idea, but it wasn't used as strongly as it should be. It would have made a very strong impact in the poem if it was more of a main part, know what I mean? Probably not I ramble a lot. Also, "wanna" sounds so childish. I'm just one of those people that like proper grammer in poems most of the time I guess. Good job though, it does have a feeling a lot of people can relate too.
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Post by thecrazybeautiful on Apr 3, 2006 15:27:25 GMT -6
"Torn as if, Three parts of my heart, Have split"
I liked that. I almost got so close to writing a poem once built on that very same idea...
And the use of "wanna" kinda bugs me too. I'm used to using and seeing proper grammar in poetry, and it really sticks out and gets on my nerves. But it's understood if you're more used to saying that.
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Post by QueenPaige4 on Apr 4, 2006 15:08:44 GMT -6
yeah it needs some work but other than that it is good
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