Friend's Sacrifice

[sagsdragonlvr]

FRIEND'S SACRIFICE

I see nothing but tears
All I have heard for hours are nothing but failures
That just knock me to hell and back to reality

All I ask is that all the pain
That I suffer everyday from my daily work
Is that the person longed for
To no longer rip my heart in half
Because every step he makes me hurt
Everything he is and everything I wanted us to be
I don't want it no more

I tried so hard to keep him happy by keeping him company
While I put my heart in jeopardy
I know he wants to be friends but I don't know if I can give him that
I know I have been but there's that feeling where I can't deny my heart forever

Look where it's got me I'm mad practically everyday
I don't feel human because my temper goes sky high

But yet in the end I still think about
How I'm not good enough for him
He's my friend I'll give him that
But there's still that one feeling I'll never let go of
And don't know if I can

He hurt me, I know
But what can you do?
When you feel as though this person is closer to you
Than anyone in the world probably knowning you inside and out without saying a thing

****Also, if you think the title doesn't fit the poem I wouldn't mind some suggestions....cause this is just something that just came to me and I just felt writing it down so it isn't nameless. thanks.****

[Laura]

"Is that the person longed for
To no longer rip my heart in half"

--I found this unclear.

"Than anyone in the world probably knowning you inside and out without saying a thing"

--maybe a little too long, maybe cutting into two lines would be better?

It was hard to get a flow going on this poem. This:

"I tried so hard to keep him happy by keeping him company
While I put my heart in jeopardy"

--was really good though. Great lines ;D

[thecrazybeautiful]

"Everything he is and everything I wanted us to be
I don't want it no more"

I like that part, though I don't think I can explain why. It just...stands out to me.

[sagsdragonlvr]

thanks for your comments i really appreciate it.

[stupidxgirl]

I like it, it's just a little unclear to me. Maybe I didn't read it currectly, but the flow is hard to feel. There are some great lines in this though, so nice job
Bren

[allmeheart]

i wuold work on the flow of the poem, the first 1 1/2 stanzas were shaky and i tihnk you should find other substitutes for "but" in some places because it seemed to be repeated a number of times, it threw the flow of the poem off a bit, the format was good however

[Only Me]

"I don't want it no more" Unless you are Jeff Foxworthy or Larry the Cable guy... this is not proper English... it should be 'any more' I know that sometimes it fits poetry to skew the language just a bit, but in this case it makes you sound like a red-neck

My only suggestion is to take a few of the really long lines and cut them down... make two or three lines out of one... other than that it is original and shows great imagery and emotion... thanks for sharing!