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Post by grasshopper on Mar 22, 2006 19:43:17 GMT -6
I know the title of the poem was taken from a book by Julia Alvarez but the poem definitely isn't. In the Time of the ButterfliesLike maps, I draw myself out for you. Here on a road a tear travels down my cheek. It makes a slight turn and crashes with my lips. Like a map, my heart has a road from my tear. There are no lefts, no rights, no intersections. No regrets. There is no stopping of the beat which means the blood does not stop flowing through my body. It keeps going and going, just like the love I had for you in the beginning. It felt like the origin of time when My heart toppled and paved a road to my feet. I was in love and it showed incandescently. How my smile was so constant and my stomach was fluttering. But then came a time where I was in pain and there was no excuse of butterflies in the stomach and the smile on my lips. That is because there was no smile. And like maps, this sad, horrible, heartbreaking feeling had a beginning. But like the roads, it had no end.
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Post by Laura on Mar 22, 2006 20:46:13 GMT -6
The beginning:
"Like maps, I draw myself out for you. Here on a road a tear travels down my cheek. It makes a slight turn and crashes with my lips"
--started really strong. Then it went kind of to just "okay-ville", heh, but you brought it back with this:
"I fell in love for the first time. How my smile was so constant and my stomach was fluttering"
--and the whole idea of roads was creative. I enjoyed it. To say something constructive, I would suggest changing the first "time" is heard in these two sentences:
"It felt like the beginning of time when I fell in love for the first time."
--the "time" I bolded ... just because it clashes with the next "time" is seen and the second one is better than the first. Does that make sense? I know I am mumbo jumbo today!
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Post by thecrazybeautiful on Mar 23, 2006 15:42:00 GMT -6
Wow. Okay, so Laura said everything I could have said about this one...
It started out really strong, but then kinda... leveled out.
"and my stomach was fluttering"
Good line there.
"And like maps, this sad, horrible, heartbreaking feeling had a beginning.
But like the roads, it had no end. "
That's a really good part as well.
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Post by grasshopper on Mar 23, 2006 19:50:14 GMT -6
You know..I noticed it today. That was my first draft. I sometimes just hate to change my poetry but thank you.
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Post by Laura on Mar 23, 2006 20:12:39 GMT -6
I hate changing my poetry too!
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