cassi <3
Wishes To Be A Distraction
Seeing him far away makes me smile, but when we are face to face, I wish I hadn't walked up to him.
Posts: 22
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Post by cassi <3 on Nov 3, 2005 20:20:40 GMT -6
This is just something I wrote sometime ago, describing the grip on someone you love in relation to a rose. (More poems to come)
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Winter-like roses
with thorns sharp as needles
the palm of your hand closing in on the needles
hundreds of needles..
..waiting to kill.
Eyes tightly shut
like they were sewed for enternity
gritting teeth so hard
they crack like old pavement.
Drops and streams
of thick red substance
a stabbing, burning feeling
of thousands of knives in your hand
multiply the pressure
severe the pain
feeling they went through
your hand.
Soon you learn to let go
once the rose falls and all you're left with
is a bloody hand.
Every rose has its thorns
don't hold on too tight.
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Post by Laura on Nov 16, 2005 15:42:53 GMT -6
"Drops and streams
of thick red substance"
--good. Try not to use the same words at the end over and over, like the beginning has "needles" three times, and then later on "hands" gets overused ... it takes away. I'm not saying it has to rhyme or whatever, I just think it would sound better without the same word typed. Nice ideas too.
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Post by Sharon on Nov 16, 2005 17:48:05 GMT -6
[glow=purple,2,300]I like how you said this instead of just plain "white"[/glow]
[glow=purple,2,300]a little extreme i think but i see what you're saying. love can be dangerous for the vulnerable.[/glow]
[glow=purple,2,300]Excellent verse... great description. maybe you could find an alternative word for one of the words, "hand" fingers, palm, something along those maybe?[/glow]
[glow=purple,2,300]Very nice ending. A wonderful read, great job Cassi.[/glow]
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cassi <3
Wishes To Be A Distraction
Seeing him far away makes me smile, but when we are face to face, I wish I hadn't walked up to him.
Posts: 22
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Post by cassi <3 on Nov 17, 2005 19:42:17 GMT -6
<3thanx
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Post by allmeheart on Nov 22, 2005 19:14:36 GMT -6
i agree w/ sharon but you did a nice job w/ the comparison
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cassi <3
Wishes To Be A Distraction
Seeing him far away makes me smile, but when we are face to face, I wish I hadn't walked up to him.
Posts: 22
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Post by cassi <3 on Nov 23, 2005 14:27:01 GMT -6
thank you
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Post by Only Me on Dec 3, 2005 13:16:41 GMT -6
"hundreds of needles..
..waiting to kill. " Extreme but it gets the point across...
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xxdarkxangelxx
Contently A Distraction
Love me for who I am not who I've become
Posts: 30
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Post by xxdarkxangelxx on Dec 4, 2005 12:58:25 GMT -6
it reminds me of the song "every rose has its thorn" by guns n' roses. especilly the end.
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cassi <3
Wishes To Be A Distraction
Seeing him far away makes me smile, but when we are face to face, I wish I hadn't walked up to him.
Posts: 22
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Post by cassi <3 on Dec 8, 2005 18:42:53 GMT -6
Thanx.. lol I think.. I dunno that song.. lol sorry
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Post by Laura on Dec 8, 2005 18:56:59 GMT -6
"Every Rose Has It's Thorn" is by Poison, just to clarify.
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