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Post by fightingirishman on Oct 17, 2005 16:50:47 GMT -6
Yeah, I guess this is supposed to be sung as lyrics. But it's far too short, and would only be a one minute song or something, so here it is! Backstory: I was courting a girl, and then got shut down, and then got angry. Here is the result:
Your Name
I Never Thought Your Name Could Inflict So Much Pain It Makes My Eardrums Start To Bang My Blood Curdles In My Veins
I Never Thought Your Voice Could Just Be Classified As Noise Every Word You Say Is Shrill The Pitch Rings In My Head Still
I Never Thought Two Eyes Could Ever Cause So Much Fright Just One Gaze Turns Me To Stone And That's Me And Me Alone
I Never Thought Your Tongue Could Ever Spew So Much Bunk So Many Things You Deem As True Can Only Come Back To Haunt You
I Never Thought Your Touch Which Always Gave Me A Rush Could Ever Turn My Skin To Dust And Cause My Bones To Rust
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Post by Absinthe on Oct 17, 2005 17:04:00 GMT -6
[glow=black,2,300] This isn't bad. I just have one semi-minor quibble.
"Could Ever Spew So Much Bunk"
I really, really do not like that line. For me, it just doesn't flow. Other than that, this is an easy read. Good. [/glow]
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Post by Sharon on Oct 17, 2005 19:39:19 GMT -6
[glow=purple,2,300]i really liked how you ended this piece. excellent choice of words there. however, throughout this piece I kind of got the feeling like the rhyming was forced... other than that this was good. [/glow]
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Post by Laura on Oct 26, 2005 18:35:36 GMT -6
The last line is great. The idea of bones rusting ... just something about bones and rust together that gives me a good feeling inside.
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Post by Only Me on Oct 30, 2005 16:20:37 GMT -6
tongue and bunk don't really rhyme and I also got the feeling that the rhyming was forced... dust and rush don't really rhyme all that well either... just a little of my concerns... I think if it were made into a song those things would work but it doesn't really work as poetry...
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elmarie
Contently A Distraction
Posts: 39
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Post by elmarie on Oct 30, 2005 20:46:56 GMT -6
i love it. its so sad. so much passion in one memory. You must have loved her. i'm sorry she hurt you.
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Post by allmeheart on Nov 22, 2005 19:11:59 GMT -6
suggestion, dont cap. every word, it doesnt give the correct emphasis on the words that are supposed to be emphasized, another suggestion would be to rephrase the first stanze, one of the lines did not flow with the remainder of the poem, im being crititical however and the topic and subject of the poem was nice, just work on revising it to improve it if thats what you desire
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xxdarkxangelxx
Contently A Distraction
Love me for who I am not who I've become
Posts: 30
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Post by xxdarkxangelxx on Dec 4, 2005 12:55:08 GMT -6
I Never Thought Your Touch Which Always Gave Me A Rush Could Ever Turn My Skin To Dust And Cause My Bones To Rust I liked this part alot.
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Post by Laura on Dec 5, 2005 16:59:12 GMT -6
I was going to just modify but then I thought you may not come back and read.
"My Blood Curdles In My Veins
I Never Thought Your Voice Could Just Be Classified As Noise"
--I really liked the idea of this.
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