Untitled, but true

[The Brutal Immortal]

What is with,
All of this,
I know who you,
Are, I know what you do?

The truth is,
You don’t know,
Me, you don’t care,
You don’t even try.

You can only see,
The surface of my,
Thoughts, you cannot see,
The tears I hid inside,

I was in pain,
Suffering inside,
Depression my closest friend,
Hate my master and bonds.

My soul was stained,
Black, yet still,
Human, my only saving,
Grace, to turn back.

I didn’t want,
To change my ways,
I was never going,
To change, just last.

I was okay with,
The darkness, didn’t
Try to fight it,
Until you came.

I would’ve wasted,
Just sat and died,
Not caring if I live,
Only happy if I die.

I had to change,
To stop the lies,
To live up to you,
And others expectations.

But I changed too late,
You weren’t able to tell,
You had someone else,
One much better than me.

It hurts so bad to,
See you with him,
It kills me inside,
Because I want you for mine.

Whenever I see you,
My bonds are loosened,
My closest friend shunned,
And I feel strange inside.

I want to tell,
You how I feel,
But I don’t have,
The nerve, but I do.

I want you to see,
How much I have changed,
What I did for you to,
Be mine, to call my girl.

I stopped my dark thoughts,
I cut out my “friends”,
I destroyed my master,
And cut free my bonds.

I went to you,
To talk one day,
And you thought,
I was the same.

I gave up on that,
Decided you weren’t,
Worth it, and,
Then went on with life.

I thought I moved on,
But I guess I didn’t,
I still hurt inside,
Every time I saw you.

I wanted to drown,
Drown in my misery,
Just to lay in wait,
And hope you don’t see.

I heard you,
Two got in a,
Fight, and broke,
Up, and I was happy.

I then wouldn’t,
Have to see you,
Together anymore,
And wouldn’t hurt inside.

I never thought,
What would happen,
I went to you,
And asked you out.

I never thought,
That you would,
Say yes, or that,
You would be so happy.

For once in my life,
I was happy,
Just to hear you laugh,
I would do anything.

But I never,
Thought in reason,
I never wondered,
What broke us up.

Why would you,
A girl with everything,
Want someone like me,
One who is worth nothing?

I saw you that once,
With him with you,
And then I knew,
Why you were happy.

You were seeing him,
But I was blind,
I couldn’t see the clues,
But then it fell into place.

I left you then,
And you made a big,
Deal of it like,
You didn’t do it.

But I laughed,
And moved on again,
Hoping I wouldn’t get,
Bonded by love again.



Okay you guys(and girls), this is my most recent work, it isn't finished, and im adding more every day, it is probably the most true poem I have ever written, it tells of a few things that made me who I am, some of the most important ones.

[NotSoPerfect]

Ok, I love how expressive this poem is. It's very personal.

I think the best thing you can do at this point is edit the punctuation at the begininng. You pretty much sorted it out towards the end, but look.

What is with,
All of this,
I know who you,
Are, I know what you do?


Get rid of the first comma. It breaks up the sentence in the reader's head. Then get rid of the third comma for the same reason. Then, unless this was a special techinique, I would get rid of the comma after "are" and move it to the previous line. Finally, lose the question mark because that last statement isn't a question. Your punctuation just made the first few stanzas really confusing to me and I couldn't figure out a reason for that punctuation, unless you're trying to do an EE Cummings thing. I think the stanzas should be formatted more like this:

What is with
All of this?
I know who you are,
I know what you do.


If anyone else disagrees, feel free to speak up, this is just my opinion after all.

[The Brutal Immortal]

well, i meant it like that, i usually end my lines with commas, just because thats how i was taught. the first stanza is a question in whole, what is with all of this, i know who you are, i know what you do? i know its strange and different, but its how i was taught.

[Sharon]

Fair comment Cory - I'm wondering, where did you learn this style of writing?

I was okay with,
The darkness, didn’t
Try to fight it,
Until you came.

I really liked this part - I think that the reader can definitely see that this piece is written with feeling.

Notso does have a point about the comma usage with them in some parts it somewhat confuses the reader making other punctuations seem out of place (e.g. the question mark)

You have to ask yourself what is more important, writing the way you want to write because you want others to recognize the message you have to say? ...or simply following a system that someone else has taught you for the sake of following it.

I use different characters (dashes, periods, etc) in my writing and I believe many of them would be considered inappropriate in some writing but I use them because I want readers to pause or stop at certain lines and in a way see, hear, feel the flow of the piece I've presented - for the most part readers understand why those certain symbols are in place or at least I don't overuse any that it becomes distracting.

Anyway, thank you for sharing this piece with us it's great that you feel open enough to let others see a piece that you've written based so close to your emotions. There are some writers out there today that simply write because they know how to put words together - one has to wonder sometimes, are they really even saying anything?

[The Brutal Immortal]

okay, ill try to slack on the comma usage while writing the rest of the poem, thanks for the advice